Written by Bonnie Erb
This article is courtesy of ParentLife magazine
Q: “My spouse is serving overseas in the U.S. Armed Forces. I am finding it challenging to handle the separation. Can you give me some practical suggestions for dealing with the stresses of military life?”
A. There are seven suggestions I would offer to help ease the stresses of military life for families.
1. Recognize that military families have unique challenges.
Understand that your circumstances may be different from those around you. Relatives and other well-intended people may be unable to relate to your lifestyle, resulting in a sense of isolation. Choose to view military life as a unique lifestyle. Find ways to embrace the positive aspects (i.e. travel opportunities, meeting new people, visiting churches in other locations, and so forth). When the military parent is away, measure the passage of time in concrete ways.
Keep a calendar to mark the passage of time, take photographs of everyday events, and make a book to send to the military parent. Follow the movements of mom or dad on a large map and discuss what the children’s parent might be seeing or doing. Guide children to write an encouraging note everyday for a month. Walk to the mailbox daily and discuss what your family will do to celebrate when they receive a letter from their military parent.
2. Identify adult life stresses.
Make a list of the people, places, or things that cause the most stress. Commit to discontinue anything on the stress list that is unnecessary.
Remain in your regular routine as much as possible. Positive social contact such as church attendance is very important.
Correct recurring problems; if it can be fixed, fix it! Take steps to resolve your personal stress. Take time for yourself when possible. Remember that your adult stress may become your child’s stress. Friendships and healthy links with supportive Christian families can help adults deal with excessive stress. Adults sometimes feel that they are too busy to take some personal time away from the demands of a busy family. The truth is that when adults take periodic breaks, everyone benefits. The caretaker is renewed and better able to manage stress and anxiety.
3. Become an expert.
Research your branch of the service. Discover what support groups and resources are offered through military support services. Most bases and command groups have a variety of services available to their families. Access those services. Talk to others who have had similar military experiences and learn from them. Volunteer to help others cope with military life. Join a military spouse organization.
4. Know the signs of anxiety and stress in children.
Watch for abrupt or unusual actions or attitudes in your children. Pay attention to the day-to-day activities of your child’s life.
Are your child’s eating habits suddenly different? Is he sleeping well? Does he complain of chronic aches and pains? These may be signs of stress in your child. Keep a calendar of emotions. Watch for patterns and cycles. Read a book on child development or talk to other parents about what to expect at each developmental stage. This will provide insight into what might be considered “normal” stress at a developmental stage and what is beyond a normal limit.
Show your child how people deal with stress in healthy ways. Exercising, reading, and pursuing hobbies can be outlets for stress. These pursuits teach relaxation and good self-care. Shared hobbies can be a means of enjoying a family member and helping adults deal with excessive stress, too.
5. Stay in touch.
Share words of encouragement and support. Involve the military parent in the day-to-day activities of the family. Include the challenges of daily living, discipline, and financial management. While being overly negative is not advised, avoiding all negative or difficult subjects will leave the military parent with an unrealistic view of the family. It also breeds feelings of isolation and increases loneliness.
E-mail for military personnel (even those stationed on ships or in foreign lands) has increased the immediacy of contact. Children may write or e-mail their parent who is away. Writing letters, sending packages, and making telephone calls are ways to continue building strong family relationships.
The parent and children who are left at home must continue to talk to one another. Guide children to talk about their feelings and fears. Encourage discussion and listen to children carefully. Give them feedback and offer to spend time listening to them share their concerns. Put words to feelings. Reassure them that God cares about them and their absent parent. Recognize that adults also have the need to share their feelings. Pastors, friends, or counselors may provide a listening ear when the anxiety of military life seems overwhelming.
6. Establish a “community of care.”
Reach out in the community and find professionals, educators, doctors, and others who can be a support team. Make friends in your neighborhood and offer to share babysitting duties or play-date times. Visit and join a church that has an outreach to the military community. Guide family members into Sunday School classes, youth groups, and Bible studies. Take advantage of church programs. Ask for prayer for the military member of your family.
As a family connects with others, the military member of the family also will connect when he is available. He will benefit from the family’s link to community and church activities.
Adults with strong extended family ties learn to rely on the insights and help of other caring adults. When distance prohibits this type of interaction, consider a “family away” concept. Fellow Christians who will give honest and considerate feedback are invaluable friends. Create a “family” of friends with whom you can share special occasions and confide in when needed.
7. Teach reliance on God.
Learning to “faith walk” teaches adults and children to seek an omnipresent God when a loved one is away. It also suggests that while adults do not always have the answers to life questions, God does!
Prayer is a way to teach reliance on God. Reading the stories of the Bible and discussing them with children is another way to show how God works in the lives of people. It is essential that the words of the Bible be recalled again as the young David bravely reported: “The battle is the Lord’s” (1 Samuel 17:47).
Remember that Christians are ultimately in the Lord’s army!
